Cycle scummers

Last night I was a victim of two crimes. Cycling over to the local Sainsbury’s I parked up, locked the bike and did some shopping. As I was paying at the till I noticed a band of chavs near my bike through the shop window. A little apprehensive at this point I went back to my bike with the hoodies walking away. When I got to my bike I found not only my lock still there but another - the f*ckers had locked my bike! (Crime 1) Dismayed at not being able to steal my bike in the first place the Shirley Tower scumbags decided to clamp my bike hoping to come back later and nick it for parts.

Crime 2: My instant reaction was to call the authorities and 999 was dialled. Another phone number was requested to be called as my life was not in danger (okay, I'm still calm) repeating it to myself in case I forgot. Another call centre person advised me I had come though to a different number but this time transferred. About a minute later of ring tone I eventually got through to an old sounding bloke. As I explained my plea for help the second crime hit me. "Sorry but we don't do that sort of thing anymore you'll have to call out a locksmith". Hello! You're the police, protect and serve, what the f*ck am I supposed to do. Frustration, anger, despair and a creeping amount of expletives joined the conversation. I even asked if I was to walk into a police station to ask for help they would turn me down to be confirmed by the long arm of the law muppet. By this time a couple of shop security guards and two cyclists had joined the party. One the cyclists lent me a pen and paper pad to record the locksmith's number.

I called the locksmith who was unsure whether his emergency staff would do such a service although quoted a £65 charge and said someone would call me to confirm. The cyclist, who looked like a bearded Alpha Course Christian, lent me the paper earlier gave me a printed business card with simply his name and mobile number and said he had a large hammer and chisel. Thank god he was about as I saw him only seconds later return with a proper policeman. A glimmer of hope came as the copper said they should have some bolt cutters back at the station and would either be back with them or call me with the bad news. A minute later the locksmith called confirming they could help at £65 but their services were needed as the law rolled up in time for justice! Bike safely back home and cuddling up with a cup of hot milk and warm duvet.

I called the good samaritan to thank him though half expected a kindly lecture on sharing love like Jesus and would I like to join his flock of cycling shepherds. Instead he told me a story of cycle vigilance. Last Saturday night he was travelling back from London taking his racing bike. He had a few jars with friends so was in high spirits with the majority of journey in a sobering state until Winchester. At this point (1:30am), South West trains did their normal evil trick of providing a replacement bus service for the remainder of the journey. With precious bike in hand, our plucky beardo attempted to get on to the double-decker seeing no place to store his bike. The driver refused to let him on unless he left his bike. An argument followed with the bible-basher saying SWTrains should pay for a taxi for his bike which was refused and now the driver was physically stopping him entering the bus. A couple of bus 'safety officers' came down from the upper deck to assist the driver only to be accosted by 3 passengers in support for our cycling saint. SWTrains lost their nerve and let our hero on with bike.

Spread the happiness!